Leaning in to Growth
By Jessica Marie As, in the past year, I have spent more time reflecting on the past, times and memories of my life, both good and bad. Wonderful and regretful. I am piecing together what makes me who I am and what doesn’t. Here’s a take on some personal growth I am working on at the moment. When looking back at younger versions of myself I can feel regret, guilt, nostalgia, joy, and every emotion in between. And while the more cringe-worthy versions of myself may make me wish I had never been that way, it was through these pieces I was able to become who I am today. Without those rougher, less polished, and more naïve versions I could never have become who I am today. I wasn’t born with all the wisdom I have today. I earned it, I gained it, sometimes I bled for it. Like math or writing, you must learn the basics before you can do geometry or write a book. To have greater perspective, to have faith in myself, in the Divine, and distinguish the difference between a disaster and an inconvenience, I have to live through it. Like building a library, I have built a library of experiences that have taught me how to live. How to react. While I may never be able to fully let go of certain guilts or mistakes of the past, perhaps that isn’t a bad thing. Perhaps that pain also serves a purpose. It reminds me to not act too rashly, to balance passion with patience. To know when to speak, or act, or when to sit back and let the emotions pass so I can react in a calm and respectable manner. I try to learn from others as much as I can, but some lessons I have had to learn myself. I have had to say the wrong thing, do the wrong thing, experience the consequences first-hand to know the true depth of actions having reactions. To expand my mind into being ever more kind, considerate, loving, and understanding. I am not perfect. I will continue to learn every day. But that is also the very nature of being human. Right now, I am working on my snappy temperament. It truly bothers me how much or how quickly I can snap at something or someone. A large part of my snappy nature has fallen to the wayside in my fully embracing each moment as it is. Changing what I can, but finding as much joy and contentment in each moment and day as I can. This helps so much slide off my back that would once have ruffled my feathers. Though, just yesterday I was tested. Someone’s tone hit me wrong and sent my mind into a space that I have always responded with sharpness. I felt the tension between who I wanted to be, kinder, snap-free, and rolling with the waves being railed against by my 29 years of snappy responses. I clamped my mouth shut and let the battle rage in my mind but did not let it escape my lips. “Stay calm, this is truly not an issue. Would speaking improve this situation?” I asked myself over and over. No matter how I analyzed it, I knew I was fighting a toxic trait of mine. After a few minutes the battle was over. The emotion passed and I have one victory over my toxic trait. Slowly, I can strengthen this habit until it is second nature. But it is years of living and making mistakes that guides me towards the light. Towards the direction of who I truly want to be, what I would rather offer the world and those around me. In my life I have lived and grown through a lot of situations and changed in so many ways. I have become more and more proud of who I am. It isn’t always easy, but it does always feel good.
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AuthorJessica Marie Cunningham - Intentional lifestyle blogger, aspiring author, and podcast host. All things Slow Living, Books, Writing, Art, creativity, Christianity, and personal stories. Archives
March 2022
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